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[02 Mar 2009|02:02pm] |
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WHY do i do this to myself.
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[09 Feb 2009|08:46pm] |
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His sins trickled from his lips, one by one, trickled in shameful drops from his soul festering and oozing like a sore, a squalid stream of vice. The last sins oozed forth, sluggish, filthy.
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[17 Dec 2008|06:03pm] |
i am confused about what to do with my life. i'm scared that on january 15th i'm going to be even more confused.
decisions are too much to deal with right now.
i'm quitting school mentally from now on. i got into Asheville so at least someone wants me.
i'm done! it's straight C's for me from here until june!
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[26 Nov 2008|10:05am] |
today:
-bake an apple pie
-bake a pecan pie
-make christmas list
-finally finish setting up mac
-work the worst shift ever
-miss my best friend in a beauty pageant cause i suck
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[17 Nov 2008|07:43pm] |
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I am so fucking tired of all of this bullshit. I just want to fucking go to college, god dammit.
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[22 Oct 2008|10:21pm] |
I just wrote the words "Renal Pelvis" 5 times in a row.
There's something wrong here. I think my life needs a change.
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[09 Oct 2008|06:48pm] |
I don't care what anyone else thinks about us anymore - not even my friends (sorry guys). This feels different, and I know you're young and I'm young, but it is just different. It's too difficult to explain - i know that's been said and done before, but it's true. Sometimes I can't help but think, "Was I just waiting for that perfect, right guy by dodging the attention of all other guys? Or is this the first time a boy has ever really really liked me, and I'm just giving in because it's a new feeling?" I do think about it all the time, and I like to hope that it's the first question.
I've grown used to the ridicule by now: "why don't you ever hang out with anyone else? so what are you doing this weekend, i bet i can guess! who are you texting?, oh wait, I already know." but it doesn't bother me anymore, because they'll never know what this is like. well, hopefully they will - they just don't know yet? In some ways, it feels like they won't even miss us if or when we leave. They'll visit, but not to see us.
Things get hard every now and then and we act like children, for about a day. Then we have those serious conversations that i love and everything is back to normal, or even better than before. I like this routine. One day it will probably get old and tired, but for now, it feels comforting. It's easier for me to say "i'm sorry" these days than it has even been in my entire life.
To be honest, I'm scared to tell others about my plans. I know i'll be told that i'm just a kid - and in some ways I am, i guess. But it sure doesn't feel that way. I'm ready to pay my own rent and buy all my own food and pay my cell phone bill and worry about where all this money is going to come from, with you. Even if it means they'll talk shit about me and how i've lost my sense of self, or how i'm being blinded by love. I know i'm young in age, but i've always been older on the inside. don't know why. I just hope they'll see my side of things soon.
I'm just so ready to start a new chapter. And I sure as hell want it to involve you.
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[15 Sep 2008|08:41pm] |
after a full year, i'm still as happy and content as day one.
way to go!
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[26 Aug 2008|08:05pm] |
i'm going to end up killing myself this year.
i just know it.
it's not even the third day of school yet, and i already feel spent.
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[03 Jul 2008|11:07pm] |
i just signed up to look at college scholarships, but sadly those scholarships won't be much help if i don't get into any of the damn colleges i want to get into. i won't get into chapel hill with my SAT score, and i can't afford four years of going to $30,000 schools in boston even if i did get into BU. i guess greensboro or asheville will be my backups? maybe richmond? fuck.
i got my senior pictures. they suck balls.
i blew over $80 today alone, cause i just got paid. this is awful.
i needed some gas for the car, breakfast, grapefruit hand soap, ramen noodles, mud face mask, mint scented face scrub, Tilex, stolen rose salve lip balm stuff, stolen tank top, a bra, thai food for dinner. i am a moron. most of those purchases were highly unnecessary, except for the gas and breakfast i guess. and i couldn't even find lavender seeds. i think i have to go to lowes or home depot for that. no more purchasing for me. although i just found a really nice lookin' feather necklace; $6.
i hung out with irene tonight cause she just got back from her trip to europe. she went to paris (and apparently made out with an italian boy under the eiffel tower), rome, greece, england, capri, and some other places that i can't remember. it made me really excited to [hopefully] travel through europe a little bit with sara for a graduation trip next summer! paris, madrid, and rome.
my parents are mad at me because i'm actually semi-busy and having fun this summer. they say i'm not home enough; therefore, they reduced my curfew, and it's unfair. it's not my fault they just don't know how to tell me i can't go somewhere. instead, they continue to let me go pretty much anywhere i want, i just have to be home earlier than i used to so that they don't "stay up wondering where i am", even though they are still asleep when i get home at my new curfew time as well. this is completely illogical.
i went up to High Point and stayed a couple days with devon and few days ago. her apartment is my exact dream apartment; too bad its in a miserable location. haha but it was great nonetheless. we walked around greensboro where i snatched a gorgeous $25 pendant. i also got the new des ark album, then proceeded to lose it. we drove to chapel hill and saw mewithoutyou, who were fantastic, even though i blacked out and almost passed out and had to leave the venue for a couple hours before mewithoutyou played. then i came back to charlotte cause Eli was finally home! then on a whim we decided to drive down to Columbia and see mewithoutyou again. a much different type of show; the kids in chapel hill are so much more chill, but it's alright.
i finally finished Lolita. Now i have to read Don Quixote.
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[20 Jun 2008|10:41am] |
well, all of my friends and boyfriend are out of town at the moment, and I am doomed to a life of boredom because of my pitiful job. i know i requested more hours, but i don't remember requesting 3 days of lonely misery. sara and grace are in myrtle beach (i couldn't go because i couldn't take off work, of course), irene is in europe, and eli is in florida. a couple days after sara gets back she'll be gone again, to spain, again. i'm thinking about visiting devon up in high point, but maybe i should call her first before blogging about it? :)
my body has gone back into its "no, i'm not hungry. don't feed me." mood. the same mood i experienced when i lost 10 pounds in august. so i'm certinaly not complaining.
got report cards. no C's! not an outstanding GPA, but no C's, in IB nonetheless.
again, i only have a random set of shitty random photos, because i suck and don't take pictures anymore. blah blah blah
I need a new bookcase. I'll do that tomorrow. And i need to start buying stupid worthless knick-knacks like i used to.
i'm so bored i've resorted to going to Lenscrafters with my mom to get my glasses fixed. dammmmn.
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[02 Jun 2008|06:51pm] |
things are going quite perfectly - really they are.
this summer will be rough though, what with working so much and probably not getting to see Eli as often as I have been. then i'll be a lame little senior in high school still.
but after big trips and college shit rolls over, everything will be completely back to normal. so in like....7 or 8 months?? ugh.
i'll have big puffy cheeks soon cause apparently i'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out in a few months. attractivvvve.
oh, prom was really funny.
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